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I won’t go into the reason why I developed bulimia because I want to focus on recovery. I was diagnosed at age 35, and I had developed it as a teen. Roughly 18 – 20 years of malnutrition and semi-starvation.
The first time my mum dragged me against my will to the GP to see why I was losing so much weight, to “knock some sense into me”, I was told that I “probably had an eating disorder”, but unfortunately I was “not thin enough to receive help”…
I think I was about 14 years old when my eating disorder started, but I think I’ve always had disordered traits as a young child.
When you’ve had an eating disorder for so long, you become numb to the feeling of not eating. The fear that food will harm you is entrenched into your mind, so you just don’t allow yourself to enjoy food.
When I was at the lowest point of my life, about ten years ago, I said to myself ‘It can’t get any worse.’ It was that bad. However, I realised that this was a positive statement. If it can’t get any worse, that means it can only get better.
Completing my A levels was hard. I soon became obsessed with revision and control, not feeling like I had ever done enough or was enough.
Going to my GP in March of last year was something that I knew I had to do. Don’t get me wrong, I was so scared and nervous about how I would tell someone I didn’t know that I was struggling with eating and coping with social occasions which involved food.
'No more, thank you'As she piles my plate high'Mum, I’m not hungry'That’s my favourite lie
I guess the turning point for my recovery came after a long battle with my identity. Who am I if I’m not what anorexia tells me I am?
As I eat and function normally and crave that as a healthy human, this demonic part of my brain still pulls me back like an annoying toddler craving attention.
I've had EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), for twelve years now. Although first diagnosed as anorexic binge purge subtype, my habits and behaviours were constantly changing as the years went by.
Eating disorder vs. recovery isn’t as simplistic as poorly or not. It’s a grey fuzzy line and an uphill battle. I understand that you don’t have any energy or drive at the moment but step by step you can rebuild your life.