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2018 is going to be an amazing year. That’s what I thought back in January. I’d not long landed my dream job, I’d moved back to London and I had a list of destinations to which I intended to travel. I also had an official diagnosis of anorexia nervosa to my name
I guess my eating disorder began pretty generically. I had booked a girls’ holiday and didn’t want to feel uncomfortable in a bikini, so about six weeks before I was due to embark on a fun-filled week in the sun, the ‘holiday diet’ began.
Five years ago, I left my studies at university, gripped by depression and anorexia. I was living a life of darkness, shame, misery, hopelessness, helplessness and grief over a long-term relationship that I couldn’t admit to myself was falling apart.
Bulimia is a hidden illness. On the outside, it looks like you're fine, when inside you still feel the ache in the throat, the discomfort in your stomach and general body, the guilt and the shame.
I wanted to offer an insight into how I am now, near enough four years into a robust recovery, following ten years of a very active and debilitating eating disorder. I am certainly not perfect in my recovery and this was the main point I wanted to try to get across.
Dear Ana,
I’m breaking up with you.
We’re done. We’re through.
I am following my meal plan as best I can; I’m steadily gaining back the weight I tried so hard to lose. I am back in the healthy weight range for my age and height, so I’m recovering. Right?
It is not your choice if you get an eating disorder, which is part of what makes them so cruel and unfair. However, you have the power to decide whether you will fight to recover from your illness to get your life back.
I guess the truth is that I am only at the very beginning of my recovery, and whilst I am doing really well, it almost feels harder than ever.
Recovery: Noun, A return to normal health. That is what the Oxford dictionary defines the word as. But what is a return to normal health? What is recovery?
I remember being around 10 years old and admiring an older (probably by three or four years) girl in my dance class for her thin physique. When I look back at it now, I realise that was one of the first indicators of my eating disorder journey.
I’d moved to Thailand after graduating to teach English. I developed a bit of anxiety and unhappiness due to loneliness, which I controlled through eating. Unfortunately, I took it too far, and upon my return, was admitted straight to hospital.