In the summer of 2024, I graduated from university, a feat which proved no simple task in itself. Not wanting to settle immediately into the usual 9-5, I moved to a small, rural town in the north east of Thailand, to spend a year working as an English teacher.
As this year now draws to a close, I thought it would be beneficial to reflect on how the experience has furthered my recovery, and whether I would have been able to take advantage of the opportunity at any earlier stage of my journey.
To put it bluntly, my fight against my eating disorder made my life very difficult throughout my teenage years, and I missed out on many opportunities through my obsession with food, exercise and control. I was always very active, and I loved school, but living with the demon in my head (which my family and I gave the moniker Woodward) took away my love for everything - movement, socialising, studying.
Instead Woodward narrowed my world, with the focus only on its own agenda: for me to take up as little space as possible. It made me feel trapped, hopeless and disconnected from all my peers, and I missed out on a lot of experiences and emotional development during these pivotal years through school, college and the first years of university.
It was not until the sudden death of my mum in 2022 that I realised it wasn’t a way to live. I couldn’t rely on other people to make decisions for me. I committed to fight for recovery. I set myself two main goals: to be able to enjoy movement and food, and to get myself back to the physical state where it would be safe for me to play rugby again. Not only did I achieve these targets, but I took challenging myself to new levels with the decision to move away from everything I’ve ever known.
Moving 10,000km away was never a target I set out to accomplish. I never planned it as staging-post of my recovery. However, as I was studying in my final year at university, I realised that I was at the point of recovery that I could make a significant change without the risk of derailing my hard work. It was exciting, it was nerve-wracking, and it was a stressful time in the build up to the move. While I’ve learned to ignore the messages relayed by Woodward, they sometimes will reappear, and I worked hard to make a contingency plan in case they did. Being a vegan in a rural Thai town is not easy, and it takes a lot more planning than an omnivorous diet would take, however, it is possible and I have come out the other side of my adventure stronger than ever.
However, the intrinsic issues from facing my own demons and the dietary requirements were not the only stumbling blocks. In a culture that prides itself on appearance, on fragile beauty and on clothing sizes, it was sometimes hard for me to shut out the extrinsic noise.
I have had to deal with comments regarding my own weight, regarding other people’s weight; I’ve had to fight through racks of clothes to find a size XL to fit me, when I would look for a medium size in the UK. Students come into class complaining of being hungry but not wanting to eat for fear of their peers’ opinions. Exercise is always rewarded, but for the impact on their physical image rather than for their health. In a town where I stand out for being one of few ‘farangs’, with common language barriers (I am awful at speaking Thai and Google Translate can only get one so far) this is difficult to navigate but through the mental shields that I worked hard to build and the support network I have surrounding me, the times that these events truly damaged me were few and far between. The locals are more than welcoming and will often go out of their way to make food suitable for my diet. I made friends, I ate some of the best food I have ever tasted, I smiled, and surrounded myself with people who will always support me if I have a Woodward-induced wobble. I found a group at the local gym who, whilst not speaking the same language as me, have the same values of fuelling appropriately and exercising to be stronger, not smaller.
Conversely, I don’t think this journey would have been appropriate for me, had I been in an earlier stage of recovery. Stability always comes first, as it would be very easy to be swept away in disordered thoughts again and so I am glad I put in the ground work before embarking on this adventure. Choosing a suitable environment in which you want to live is an important part of supporting your wellbeing and needs. Waiting for recovery, using travel as a goal to push yourself towards a life of food freedom, is definitely worth it.
Living abroad has given me perspective on what I want out of life. It has taught me independence, built resilience and offered clarity about my values. I have had experiences I never thought I would get to have in my wildest dreams. I have been to places I didn’t even know I wanted to visit! I am stronger from this experience, and ready to continue my journey. Recovery is never a ‘done deal’, but I have found that the struggles become more manageable the more that I fight against them. It’s not about never having intrusive thoughts or impulses again, but about building a life that makes those struggles worth overcoming.
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