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Finding me again in eating disorder recovery - Georgia’s story

Rebuilding your identity in recovery can be daunting, particularly if you have been living with an eating disorder for many years. Here I share some tips that helped me find the old and new me in recovery – I hope they’ll help you or someone you’re caring for too.

A bit about my journey…

My journey with an eating disorder began when I was in my early teens. Back then, I had no idea that my diagnosis marked the beginning of a thirteen-year journey (half my life!) of ups and downs, quasi-recovery and relapses, and a whole lot of learning and self-understanding. 

I’ll never know exactly why I developed an eating disorder (and I’ve become ok with that!). Likely, it was a ‘perfect storm’: entering my teenage years, experiencing very low self-esteem and self-confidence alongside a very high level of perfectionism, and external triggers (diet culture in my family and at school, the ‘thinspiration’ era, academic pressure, and social media, to name a few). At a very low time in my life, when it felt like I was never good enough, it felt like my eating disorder swooped in and ‘saved me’, giving me a sense of control over something and a way to cope at a time when I felt completely lost. 

Of course, these coping mechanisms provided only short-term relief and were neither healthy nor sustainable. Just like me, my eating disorder was highly perfectionistic – no amount of restriction or compulsive exercise was ever enough. I would never be small enough. I would never be ‘healthy’ enough. I would never do well enough in my exams. After about a year of spiralling downhill, things got really bad, and I finally agreed (reluctantly) to go to the GP with my mum. Sadly, I was sent away with only some pretty useless advice (I appreciate that this may have been due to a lack of understanding of eating disorders at the time – I have since had much better experiences with GPs), but my mum wasn’t satisfied. She pushed for me to get an urgent hospital appointment two weeks later, at which point my physical situation was so poor that I was instantly hospitalised and diagnosed with severe anorexia nervosa

I think my parents don’t like to imagine what could have happened if they hadn’t persisted with the doctors at that point, and neither do I. Anyway, there I found myself, yanked out of school for the foreseeable future, right in the middle of my GCSEs (which felt like the most important thing in the world to me at the time), and told I had to do the one thing I was most terrified of doing: to go against the voice in my head that I had become so dependent on; to eat.

Fast-forward thirteen years, and I’m proud to say that I finally feel truly in recovery. And it’s amazing! This has been an incredibly long journey, but after many years, I’ve learned so much about myself and managing such a destructive presence in my life. 

But things aren’t over! Recovery is a continuous learning experience – lifelong, I believe – and I’ll always be finding more ways to manage and further detach myself from my eating disorder. This brings all sorts of challenges – when you’ve been living with an eating disorder for such a long time, and through pivotal developmental stages such as your teenage, young adult, and university years, it can be incredibly hard to let go. And that’s completely natural – after all, in my case, my eating disorder had years to shape, and become deeply ingrained in, my personality. So, how do you rediscover yourself and build your identity in recovery? I hope the tips below will help you along the way.

Finding things I enjoyed

This was a really key part of me rediscovering my identity. As I began to recover from my eating disorder, I felt worried about what would replace it. I had spent so many years investing my time and energy into my eating disorder; I did nothing for myself anymore. At times, I even asked myself, ‘without it, who am I?’

I began by bringing things I used to enjoy back into my life. For example, I now play for a netball team, and I’ve taken up drawing again, both of which I love but had stopped doing because they didn’t align with my eating disorder’s idea of success, which was built entirely on eating as little as I could, being as small as possible, and being academically perfect. I’ve truly enjoyed making some of the activities I used to love a core part of my identity again. 

I’ve also discovered new things – in the last year, I’ve taken up climbing and volunteering to help others with eating disorders (more about that below), both of which I’d never done before, but are now a big part of my life in recovery. If you’ve been caught up in the world of an eating disorder for a long time, it’s natural that what you enjoy might have changed, so don’t be afraid to try new things!

Replacing unhealthy coping strategies

Over time, I have learned to replace self-punishing and unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as restriction, compulsive exercise, and obsessive weighing and body checking, with kinder, healthier ones that help me maintain my wellbeing during stressful situations and periods. 

For example, a few years ago, I discovered journalling, which helps me document my thoughts and feelings and keep my recovery on track. I love drawing too, so I’ve enjoyed making my journals more creative over the years! You might find journalling helpful, or making some time for meditation or self-care, or spending time with friends or family when things are tough (an eating disorder typically makes us withdraw and isolate, but building and maintaining our close relationships is really important in recovery). These methods take care of me, not my eating disorder, and have helped me further detangle myself from its identity.  Whatever they may be for you, finding new, healthier ways of managing difficult periods in life will support you in finding yourself again in recovery.

Keeping my values and motivations in sight

Making sure I remind myself of both my values and my short and long-term goals keeps me motivated to maintain my recovery. For example, this year, I want to learn to drive, and I love travelling, so I usually have a trip planned that I want to make sure I’m healthy enough to enjoy!

You might have long-term goals, too, such as completing school or university, getting your period back, or starting a family. Your motivations might be tied to your physical health, your relationships, or your values and aspirations. They are strongly rooted to your identity, so keeping them in sight is a good way to make sure you’re channelling yourself in your life, not the eating disorder.

Using my recovery journey for good

It would be easy for me to regret the years I spent caught up in my eating disorder, but I always try to stay positive. I have learned and grown so much from the challenges of recovery, and they have shaped me to become stronger and more resilient than I could have ever imagined. 

When I was ready, I began volunteering to try to help others, something I had wanted to do for many years. I feel if I can use my insight into life with an eating disorder to help even one other person, then this whole journey has been worthwhile. I find my volunteering truly rewarding, and it has quickly become a core part of my identity and my life in recovery – something my eating disorder would never have allowed. 

Of course, supporting others with an eating disorder comes with its risks, so it isn’t always right for everyone, but remember that your experience is truly valuable – both to you and to others.  

Stay strong

Above all, remember to stay strong. Rebuilding your life after living with an eating disorder is a tough part of recovery – I won’t pretend it has been easy. But I can promise you this: your future self with thank your present self for pushing through. 

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