My eating disorder started when I was 12, only I can now see that my eating disorder was a coping mechanism for something that had been building over time. I was admitted to an inpatient unit when I was 13 and spent 17 months there.
The eating disorder unit saved my life as I knew in myself that at that point, I wouldn’t have been able to start my recovery at home.
It was a relief to meet others who understood what I was going through as they were going through the same thing. However, as anorexia is a competitive illness, being surrounded by other people who also had anorexia was very unhelpful most of the time. My journey at the unit was extremely difficult and the eating disorder voice in my head consumed me completely. I simply couldn’t do what was expected of me at the unit as I felt completely stuck and terrified. I wasn’t ready to begin to let my eating disorder go.
Eventually, and very slowly, I began to take small steps and engage with the programme at the unit, and, in time, I was able to complete the necessary steps in order to be discharged (although under a community treatment order.)
It wasn’t until after I was discharged that my real recovery started.
On the unit the main focus had been on weight gain; rather than on addressing the root cause of my illness. Although I was eating everything according to my meal plan, mentally I was still very unwell for a long time after I was discharged, still using eating disorder behaviours and self-harm to cope.
However, after some time, being out of hospital meant that I could engage in things that weren’t connected to my eating disorder, such as hobbies that I had enjoyed pre-eating disorder including ballet, art, and being around friends that didn’t have eating disorders. I still had a long way to go, but little by little, I had more reasons to fight against my eating disorder. I began to separate myself from the eating disorder in my head and realise that it wasn’t me.
I found that the more that I wanted recovery, the easier it was to ignore the voice in my head. As my own voice got louder, the eating disorder voice became quieter.
School had always been a major source of my problems; I was bullied and I always experienced a lot of anxiety in the school environment, which affected my ability to learn.
As I had missed a lot of my education as a result of being ill and in hospital, I didn’t return to school following my discharge. Instead, I was home schooled. I received home tuition a couple times a week and had art lessons with a family friend. I also returned to dance.
At age 16, I went to college and completed 3 years studying Art and Design which I enjoyed. However, I struggled a lot with perfectionism within my art, so I dropped out halfway through the Diploma course having decided that art wasn’t for me and that I wasn’t good enough.
When I was recovered from my eating disorder, although I realised this was an incredible achievement, I struggled with the fact I had been left behind my age group. As I hadn’t gone down the traditional education route, I felt very lost. Most people seemed to be at university and having a great time. In September 2021, I started an online Foundation Year in Psychology.
The following summer, I went travelling with a friend and volunteered at a turtle conservation sanctuary in Greece. Looking back, summer 2022 stands out to me as the first time that I began to gain confidence within myself. Whilst I was volunteering, I remember telling one of the other volunteers that I wanted to go back to doing something with art.
When I returned home, I looked into entry requirements for university to see if there was a possibility that I could get into university without A Levels. I discovered that I could use the UCAS points from my Foundation Year course to apply for illustration courses at university! I prepared a portfolio and I was accepted for the BA Illustration course at Arts University Plymouth and completed my degree in the summer of 2025 at 23.
For my degree project, I created a 24-page illustrated book called ‘Untangling’ to describe my recovery with the aim of providing hope to others that are struggling that recovery is possible and although recovery isn’t linear and can feel absolutely terrifying, it is so so worth it.
It was scary for me to share my story at first, but I found confidence in the fact that I was not ashamed of my experiences anymore, and I was speaking out about something that a lot of people still have little understanding of and misconceptions around.
Every time you fight against your eating disorder, you’re giving it less power, and, in time, it will get easier. You deserve recovery and to be free of your eating disorder.
You can find Juliet's book here: https://beat.contentfiles.net/media/documents/Untangling_zine.pdf
You can also follow Juliet on Instagram at @julietellaillustrates
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