To the girl I used to be - Leona's Story

To the girl I used to be.

I know how hard it feels right now.

This is my story to show you there is hope. You’re not alone.

It all started with comments about my body. When lockdown hit, I had to leave school, and at 12 years old, social media became my whole world. I was constantly body-shamed and became obsessed with how I looked. I took pictures of myself all the time because I was so self-conscious. This addiction exposed me to harmful content and groups online so easily.

I didn’t realise how bad it was getting. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought I didn’t need to.

Eventually, my mum had to take me to hospital because I felt so unwell and my health started declining. I thought I’d finally get support - but instead, I was discharged and told I was “just thin.” I wasn’t taken seriously, and that made things worse.

It was like something in my head switched. And that’s when I started hearing the ED voice. I became an angrier person because I didn’t understand what was happening.

That summer, my eating disorder became constant. I thought people would think I was crazy for hearing a voice, but it is very common. I continued to engage in harmful content online and was visibly dropping weight. It felt like conversations about food had turned into a stand off.

After summer break, back at school, my loved ones got concerned. I was referred to CAMHS ED services. It was so scary and overwhelming. Even with support, I felt so alone because recovery means you have to choose life but I felt I wasn’t sure if I wanted a life with this illness. In therapy, we called the voice “Negative Nancy”. At one point, I cared more about pleasing the ”Negative Nancy” more than the people who loved me.

Anorexia does not love you because something that loves you doesn’t want you to be sick.

That’s when I realised things weren’t okay.

Eventually, I had to leave school. I couldn’t keep up with GCSEs and appointments. I was told I’d only be able to take three GCSEs - and that crushed me. Watching my friends enjoy life while I felt like I was wasting mine was heart-breaking. It felt like I had to choose between school or hospital. My birthday had come and I couldn't even touch my birthday cake.

I had to change.

After months of therapy, I was finally allowed back to school - but only under strict rules from the ED team. Meals were scheduled, and it made me feel even more scared. I felt watched constantly. The stress of exams made the ED voice louder again.

The day I chose recovery.

I had a headache for three days and ignored it. At school, it got worse and so I had asked to leave class. On the way to the toilet, I remember hearing a high pitched ringing in my ears.

I collapsed in the hallway. I woke up to a paramedic holding me.

That moment changed everything.

Some days I wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t survived - but I did. And now I want to help someone else. Sometimes, with this disorder, your mind tells you you’re okay with dying, even while it’s hurting you. That’s why recovery means fighting against that voice inside.

I am here for a reason.

I was told I should be grateful I’d survived something many adults haven't as a 16 year old. I realised I had to fight but no teenager should have to.

No human being deserves to.

Now, I’ve officially left ED services. It’s scary not having that support, but it’s brave too. I’ve sat all my GCSEs, even after being told I’d only do three. I finished school today. I'm so grateful to the safeguarding team who noticed something was wrong before I did. I am still in touch with the professionals who helped me - they’re proud.

I am proud of myself.

Just a week ago, I ran a 5K for Beat and raised £200. A year ago, I wasn’t even allowed to walk to school. And now I eat my birthday cake INCLUDING THE ICING!

Some days are still difficult. I know how easy it is to fall back when life goes wrong. But I promise you: life feels better when you’re living, not just surviving. Please don’t wait.

Choose recovery today.

If you felt affected by or resonated with something in this blog, contact our Helpline today. We are here to help those affected by an eating disorder, and their loved ones too.