Six years ago, I never believed I would be here.
However, today, I am a primary school teacher, I moved to another city away from my family home with my long-term boyfriend living in our first home, I’ve returned to athletics, I can drive, and I wake up grateful for a life I once thought I would never have.
Recovery felt impossible, but it made me the person I am today: strong, resilient, determined, focussed and most importantly brave.
Growing up, I was completely sports obsessed. I could pretty much pick up a sport just like that and know what to do, which I get from my dad. However, my true passion was gymnastics and athletics.
I seemed to just have this natural ability and taught myself skills such as cartwheels and round offs before I even got into a club at the age of 7. With running, I just seemed to always have it in me. The speed, attack and drive. This is where my personality shone and where I was confident.
I had gotten to that stage in gymnastics where I started to compare myself to others as I was known as the “strong and powerful” gymnast, I had to work hard on my flexibility as that did not come natural to me. I was also at that stage in school where I thought I didn’t quite fit in because I never had time to socialise as I was either training, competing or practicing at home.
I was far from the type of person to do my hair and make-up for school or go out for that matter. Therefore, that’s when I decided to try and eat healthier and exercise a little more as I thought that I would look better and people would start to like me more.
People than began to notice, but not in a good way, more concerned. I started to get weaker and weaker which led my running to deteriorate and lose my strength, speed and endurance. As with gymnastics, I had to stop as I no longer had the strength or energy to train.
I went to the doctors on my first day in fifth year at school in which I was diagnosed with anorexia. This then led to many appointments, admissions into a general hospital and a 6-month admission into an inpatient unit which was when COVID-19 first hit and I couldn’t see my family until I was discharged 5 months later.
Being inpatient during COVID-19, was exhausting, frightening, and at times I couldn’t see a way forward.
Looking back now, it was also the place where I slowly learned that recovery is possible and that it wasn’t just about restoring my physical health – they were about rebuilding my life and putting trust in the staff supporting me and my future.
During this time, I had the most amazing friends who raised money for the ward I was in to support me to get better and today, I am forever grateful for them being part of my recovery and it’s something I will always hold onto.
The very moment I decided to recover was during my time being inpatient and I was on the phone to my mum with my family there and what they said that day, I felt a rush in my body, a glimpse of hope and desire to beat this illness once and for all.
I can recall exactly what my family said to me: “There will come a day where you will have your lightbulb moment. You don’t know when it’s going to appear, it could be days, months or even years but one day it will be there and I know it will be for you M”.
That was precisely the day I wanted to recover.
Now, in no way shape or form was it that easy. The way I like to describe recovery is that it is not a straight line to the finish. There will be many bumps, uphill slopes and downhill slopes, but that’s ok. That’s what recovery is all about. It’s about not giving up and getting over those bumps.
Recovery gave me the confidence to study, to stand in front of a classroom and be me, the teacher I have always dreamed of being. I found a new home. Somewhere that feels calming, and filled with lifelong memories with my boyfriend who has been so supportive with my recovery. I can drive to Starbucks and get my drive thru coffee! With athletics, I train for all the right reasons. Socialising with my friends, seeing the progression and strength my body is taking me and of course, setting PBs.
If you’re reading this while your eating disorder is telling you that recovery isn’t worth it, I am living proof that it is.
Recovery doesn’t just give you your health back – it gives you your future. Six years ago, I couldn’t imagine this life. Now I can’t imagine losing it.
My Eating Disorder Didn’t Win – I Won and you will too.
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