Starting to recover is the scariest step, but will always be the most rewarding one for those who are struggling with an eating disorder.
The best way to start the recovery process is by reaching out to someone you trust and are close with, that way you can still have a sense of control over this situation. I know that in my case, recovery could have been a lot easier if it was me that initially sought help. However I do know that in most cases for people with an eating disorder their minds are still in a strong state of denial, so reaching out may be delayed until it has become extremely noticeable by others.
My recovery started by me having a talk with my auntie whilst on a weekend away at some log cabins with my extended family, simply about how I had been feeling. I was completely unaware that what I was saying would make it very easy for my eating disorder to be recognised by an outside perspective. At this point of time I was still in complete denial that I had a real issue with my food habits and my behaviour surrounding food.
Later that evening I was feeling a lot of regret for opening up to my aunt as I realised she had to tell my mom. This resulted in me having a breakdown where I was left in a state of derealization which in simple terms left me unable to remember who I was and what had happened for quite a few days after.
That Sunday we returned home to which at this point I had completely stopped speaking. That night I slept in bed with my mom, which from then became a common occurrence during the early months of 2023.
By Tuesday I had an appointment with my GP, who made it very clear that he felt a lot of concern for not only my mental health but my physical health and was going to refer me to SEDS Forward Thinking. A few weeks passed and I had an assessment with SEDS to determine whether my disordered eating was going to be established and officially diagnosed. At the end of the day on the 27 of February 2023, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.
Even though it had now been put down on my medical records and written on paper, I was still in complete denial that I had a problem at all. I felt angry and annoyed with myself as I was now accepting that I was going to be observed every week at appointments and enforced to receive help under close supervision. I still did not feel that I was “thin” or “ill” enough to be getting help, and leaving my eating disorder that I had tried so hard to keep. However with this being said, although my recovery in basic terms was “forced recovery” to begin with, I am aware that this is not an option for everyone as resources are very limited and waiting lists are long especially with NHS resources such as CAMHS and Forward Thinking.
Referring back to the title: How to recover, when you don’t feel ready yet. One of the first steps you can take is acknowledging and determining where you currently are. When I say this I mean accepting that it is okay to feel undecided about whether recovery is something that you want, both thoughts are valid and being in a debate around recovery does not mean that you have failed.
There seems to be a belief that to start engaging in recovery, you need to have a life-changing reason. However when under the influence of an eating disorder, life-changing reasons are not often thought of as the only priority is to continue living with the illness for as long as possible.
Small reasons that can make you think about recovering can be things like, no longer wanting to feel cold even when you have multiple layers of clothing on, or not wanting to plan your whole day around the calories you will be consuming, being able to get rid of the disrupting and unwanted mental food noise.
Talking to someone you trust about your problems surrounding food is extremely difficult, but it’s very important to try and admit that there are issues that need to be fixed. Allowing someone in does not mean that you are committing to immediate change, which is a nerve-wracking thought. Instead, it means that you are not going through this alone anymore.
Accept that small changes and steps need to happen, whether that is accepting unplanned food throughout the day: eat something without exercising for it, keeping food down even when the thoughts are unbearably loud and you are wanting to compensate, let someone else prepare and cook your meals so that your eating disorder can lose its control but slowly, try eating at the table instead of alone in your room which can help to remove the disorder not only from your safe space but also allow the feeling of isolation to leave with it.
Understand that the “not ready” feeling will not last forever - most people recovering will admit that they never really felt ready. Eating disorders are designed in a way to make you believe that you will never be ready, they whisper that recovery is too unknown, too scary and that without it you are nothing. However this is not a sign that you are failing, it is a symptom of the illness. You are allowed to feel scared and out of control, but one day without even noticing, you will realise that recovery is something you want so much more than the disorder and living through recovery is so much more fulfilling than feeling trapped with the food noise and disorder.
You don’t have to feel ready for recovery, you just have to trust yourself and the people around you. Remind yourself that whilst it's scary, nothing is scarier than living with an eating disorder for the rest of your life.
If Coco's story resonates with you, find support for your eating disorder in our step-by-step guide: I'm here for the first time
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