I think I was about 14 years old when my eating disorder started, but I think I’ve always had disordered traits as a young child. Having an Asperger’s diagnosis doesn’t help with things associated with food and perfection. I remember looking at myself in the mirror amd thinking that I had to change. I just HAD to lose weight, even though I wasn’t and never had been classed as ‘overweight’, I still felt this way.
I started feeling anxious about my body and prayed every night that I could be ‘thin’, restricting so much that I felt unwell and was so cold I cried. I couldn’t stop ‘body checking’.
I remember my parents taking me to the GP when I was 15 and being referred to CAMHS as things were getting out of control. I hated it there. Why were they doing this to me? Why did I have to gain weight? I was fine! I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. I was counting calories constantly and always thinking and worrying about food. I couldn’t lose control.
I slowly started to get more and more sick until I was 17 and treatment was then forced upon me and it was the scariest thing in the world. I was being forced to eat all this food or I would be hospitalised. Why were they doing this?! Maybe I did have a problem after all?
I am a warrior.
Age 19. Things had got bad again. I knew they had. Why couldn’t I just eat and be normal? Why was I so obsessed with my body and weight?
At this point, I knew I had to reach out to services again. I needed help. This was going to kill me if it continued, but I was so, so scared. I just didn’t want to be like this anymore.
I needed to do this.
As my weight increased so did my anxiety. Thoughts about food and what to eat were even worse. My stomach hurt so much. I had been told I had osteoporosis due to my eating. I felt ashamed.
Would things ever get better? Yes!
Age 20. Every day is a new day. I am healthier but yet every day I am still consumed by the thoughts. Some days are worse than others, sometimes weeks. But I will NOT let that escalate to months!
I am recovering and will be for the rest of my life.
Every day I choose recovery.
Every day I choose life.
Every day I choose to do this for no one but myself.
You just have to keep going.
Food is medicine.
Food is necessary.
Food won’t hurt you.
Anorexia will. And it will at every chance it gets. Its only intention is to ruin your whole life.
Things do get so much better. Please reach out. You matter. Don’t wait.
Do it now!
I would just like to thank my family for their support; they know who they are.
Thank you so much and I love you.
I believe in all of you.
We are warriors. Xxx
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In the past I’ve wanted to hide the eating disorders that are part of my history, but I want to shout from the rooftops: I'm proud of how far I had come!
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