Grace's story - Anorexia in the aftermath of trauma, and my life now as a PT

15 years old I would’ve never imagined to have been my most deadly year. I dreamed of 15 when watching teen American movies, and hoping my UK high school experience would be similar… but, that dream became a truly devastating nightmare instead.

Unfortunately this all started from as young as 7, with an obsession with wanting to start dance classes and becoming more aware of the world, because from then I learned the art of comparison. I had an obsession with my appearance, wishing that I could look like the other girls in my lessons at school and at dance. I was taller and still growing into my body, but I never understood that.

I obsessed over healthy eating and participating in more restrictive events where I could i.e. lent. I saw it as a challenge to prove that someone that looked as I did could be a healthy eater. It was a strange occurrence learned purely from being too conscious at a young age, because my family life was perfect with my parents never ever discussing food/ weight or anything of diet culture nature in the house.

11 years old in 2017, me and my mum experienced an event that no child should ever ever have to witness, we unfortunately were at the scene of the Manchester bombing at Ariana Grande’s concert.

To say this changed the whole trajectory of my life would be an understatement. This trauma has followed me from that very day until now, and became a part of the reason why I became so, so poorly.

In 2020, lockdown hit, fitness influencers were everywhere, everyone was getting fit, there was nothing to do after all. Exercising a lot wasn’t new to me, I was a dancer and an Elite cheerleader during this time, and had been for many many years. But, sadly this view of exercise and food, mixed with overconsumption of social media, that comparison and obsession with ‘healthy eating’ turned dangerous very very quickly.

I have always, even before my main trauma, been extremely anxious and fixated on controlling every element of my life. But this was all of a sudden a new level of anxiety, and a new fixation to control.

My parents are my best friends, so it took them all of a week to realise what was happening to me. 3am cries of desperation holding my body and shaking after what I said was ‘overindulging’, screams at the table over a bowl of fruit with my baby sister's questioning ‘why is grace crying over food?’.

Anorexia is such a progressive disease. One day I am just simply considering these insecurities, and the next I am screaming that I hate my family because they refused to let me do another workout.

In that year, I was fast tracked by my GP to the outpatient eating disorder treatment clinic at CAMHS. I was back in school briefly after our first COVID wave at this point, and I had never been more distant from my friends.

Year 10 was the year when house parties were popular and meeting together in the park was the norm, but for me, it was locking myself away to deteriorate. I hadn’t even told my best friend what was happening, because I would never admit it. How could I ever admit that I had an eating disorder when I wasn’t even ill?

I would convince myself I was lying, that I wasn’t sick enough and sadly that is the reality for so many people with anorexia.

I was weighed every week, blood tests every few weeks and family counselling that mentally ruined us all. The most dangerous part for my dietician, GP and therapists was that I would scientifically and factually tell them what I was doing was wrong, and I would tell them I know what I need to eat, how much and percentages etc. I studied GCSE PE at the time and this gave me some brief nutritional advice, and as an athlete for years I knew all of this anyway. It scared me, them and everyone that knew around me. How can she be so knowledgeable and yet so poorly?

Their advice failed on me because I already knew it all. Dealing with such extreme trauma on top of this just exploded my illness even more, with survivors guilt convincing me that I don’t deserve to live. My school year that year was gruelling and I was literally wasting away in front of everyone, and yet lying to everyone about what was going on.

It got to the end of year 10 and I was starting my final year of school anorexic. They threatened to pull me out of cheer and school if I carried on, but that sadly wasn’t enough.

As someone who thrives on academic validation I was absolutely convinced that I could still achieve the grades I wanted whilst being malnourished, but the truth is, that was never going to work.

At the start of year 11, my mum disclosed to my best friend what was happening to me, and relief but also absolute fear washed over me. I started attending appointments during classes on zoom and she would always joke with me who I was going to see (she nicknamed my therapist).

From here, having told one person really did make a positive affect. I went to a party after a year of being asked to go and refusing, and I felt just for one second like a teenager again.

September came around and I wasn’t moving any further after my party appearance, still hugely struggling. During this time, my best friend and her mum took me out for coffee nearly every week. The only enjoyment I would allow myself was a coffee with them, and again, that one time a week I finally felt like the voices in my head weren’t eating me alive.

That September, I went on my first ever date and it was more scary then the voices in my head. 'He will never like you unless you lose more'… But, I didn’t let it stop me.

In the November I had a boyfriend. One that had no idea what was going on, one that I was lying to about being an extremely picky eater. After a month, I told him. I admitted to him myself that I had an eating disorder. The first person I ever admitted myself to was him. I was embraced, supported and unconditionally loved by the man in front of me, or boy at the time.

At 15, I was embraced with more support than I could have ever imagined, and from there with my best friend also by my side and my incredible family, recovery began - officially this time.

In 2023, I committed to full recovery.

It was the hardest thing I have ever ever had to do. I had a personal trainer when I was well enough to show me a healthy balance with exercise and nutrition, and eventually I became an absolute pro. I would go as far to say that beginning the gym actually saved my life.

I made a healthy routine and it helped me managed my exam stress through my GCSE’s and then eventually in 2024 my A-levels. There were no more 2am screams, no more desperate cries over food, no more marathon runs twice a day, I was finally… Normal.

In 2024 after my A level studies, achieving 2 A*’s and about to begin my first corporate job role, I considered what I could do that would make an impact. An impact on people who struggle / have struggled just like me. I made the executive decision to train and qualify as a personal trainer after I remembered that I made a promise to myself on my last official day before I committed to a full recovery that I would make sure I could do at least one thing to prevent anorexia from becoming so widespread, and from then on the rest is history.

I have been a personal trainer for a year and have built my business up in the last year. The biggest promise I made to myself when I qualified was that I would ensure that despite being a personal trainer, and someone in the fitness space, that I would focus on both the mental AND the physical sites of nutrition and fitness.

I am known for my niche in my local area for being considerate with my posts around food/ body image. I have received messages of support over the last year which mean the world, but the messages from eating disorder nurses, from people who have previously had anorexia who have said I have helped them in some way with my posts, have been so emotionally rewarding.

In year 10 I actually did an English language speech on the effects of diet culture in society, and it made my entire class cry as well as my teacher. I wish I could tell that girl, who pleaded with her class through metaphors and an anecdote, 'don’t let your baby siblings watch you cry over food, don’t let your future kids grow up wondering why their parents are constantly exercising#', that she made it. Through all this trauma, she made it.

I will also mention that anorexia was not a diagnosis that was based on my weight. I was never underweight during my illness, and I think that is so important to note. Eating disorders are NOT weight illnesses, and you do not have to be underweight to be ill. I wasn’t.

Throughout all of this, I would not have survived without those mentioned in here, my mum especially - I literally cannot fathom in any words what your support has meant to me. I would not be standing here without you, I would not have survived without you. Mum, dad, sisters, my nanny and gramps and all of my family who knew and who loved me through the hunger, anger and the illness in general, I am so grateful.

Tia, my best friend and her mum Maria, you were my lights during this. Without those coffee dates, without our chats, without our jokes in class, this recovery would have never happened. My best friend, and my future maid of honour, you are my sister. I love you both so so much. And, to my boyfriend, Will I owe my entire life to you. Every small step in my recovery you were there for. Had I not met you, I don’t know if I would be sat here writing this. You are forever my soulmate.

The people around you shape you into who you are, and when you are ill you truly see that support and shape take place. I had to mention how grateful I am for those select people. As for me and my final words for this post, please reach out to someone, anyone because if you wait for it to get worse you might lose your chance.

And please, from someone who had the biggest trauma to them happen at 11, I PROMISE you life does get better.

For anybody wanting a chat, reach out to me on gtexercise.wellbeing

My 15-year-old self would never believe what I have achieved. All I have ever wanted is to impress my younger self, and I can 100% say with teary eyes, that she would be so immensely proud of 20-year-old Grace.

Love you all, please get help.

If you think someone in your life might be struggling with an eating disorder, we're here to support you 💜 Head to our 'Supporting Someone Else' webpage to find advice on talking to your loved one, and resources including our Helpline: Supporting Someone Else