"In those first few months of my illness, Beat was a lifeline for my family" - Christina's story

My experience of an eating disorder began when I was only 9 years old, when I found myself eating in secret for comfort after losing my grandmother. I gained weight rapidly, then was bullied for my appearance and felt trapped in a body that I didn’t recognise. When I was 13, I found that my peers complimented accidental weight loss and I wanted to keep going. Over the next three months, I rapidly developed anorexia nervosa, receiving my diagnosis a week after my 14th birthday and five days before Christmas. The pace at which my illness overwhelmed every part of my life was relentless. In the midst of extreme restriction, all I could think about was food, how to escape it and how no number on the scale was ever low enough, a new target was always the next goal. I even remember calculating to the last calorie exactly what I could eat on Christmas Day and how I could earn that privilege. A week later, I collapsed and began immediate treatment to save my life.

I remained unwell for the next 17 years of my life. Surviving, not living. My eating disorder grew up with me and I developed additional compensatory behaviours such as purging. It was present during some of the most special and important times of my life: I attended my graduation on day release from treatment, during my wedding day and the pregnancies and births of both of my children. Even when I asked for help, at times I was told I was ‘too healthy’ or not to worry, ‘my baby would just eat me’ if I didn’t eat enough. I dreaded every Christmas, a time when most people are enjoying spending time with their loved ones. To me, the trees and lights represented panic, fear and excess. Lying to people about why I wasn’t eating. Weeks of anxiety leading up to a work party or meal out and the abject fear of the period between Christmas Eve and New Years when shops were overwhelmingly busy, shelves empty and I’d just be seeking a desperate return to routine and the safety of retreat into my illness.

I believed that I would live the rest of my life coping with my illness, wishing for the rapid end of every December. When my son was born, my daughter worried about her place in our family and I feared that it was my eating disorder which contributed. I wanted my children to learn to love and accept themselves for who they are, and I knew that started with me. I started to learn to talk about and view myself as the people who loved me the most saw me, rather than my critical eating disorder mindset. I committed to treatment with a wonderful therapist and began to see the challenges that I feared so much as steps towards feeling happier and healthier, regaining who I was and creating a better future for my family. In that first few months, I attended a work Christmas party that a previous version of myself would have avoided or compensated for. I sobbed in the car with anxiety before I went in, but I faced it and for some of the evening, I forgot about the anorexia that had controlled me, marking the first step towards regaining the life that had always been out of reach. I had always thought that recovery was an all or nothing sprint, but I learned that it was a marathon which was ok to need rest and support with.

Ten years ago, I started volunteering with Beat to share my story and bring others hope.

In those first few months of my illness, Beat was a lifeline for my family. Having the opportunity to talk with others who understood the terrifying experience my parents went through during my diagnosis was a lifeline which they’ve always been grateful for. Beat’s commitment to making the UK somewhere where eating disorders sufferers and their loved ones feel understood, supported and cared for is incredibly meaningful to me and my family. The resources and awareness they provide have made it possible for eating disorders to be something people talk about, instead of hiding. I am fortunate to be able to support this via speaking with organisations, the media and even helping the next generation of medical professionals give more informed care. Nine years ago, I was recovered enough to start creating Christmas memories and dinners with my children and I’ll be sitting down with them this year thanks to the support we’ve received along the way.

If you are able to support Beat give hope to other people like me during what is one of the most difficult times of year, it would be an incredible gift. I would love to see stories like mine increase every year until recovery is possible for everyone.