Helena's story - Nothing tastes as good as real food

I never saw this coming.

It’s a lonely illness. You want to share your experience, to show anyone struggling you’re not alone but at the same time anyone with an eating disorder can find details triggering. This makes it hard to share in a positive way.

This is not a tool for recovery and this is why you need professional support. Someone to tell you when your behaviour is damaging. It’s not always obvious, it can be a new health kick. Avoiding processed food, led me to orthorexia.

My anorexia began when I left school, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do next? College seemed the natural progression. At the time I was really getting into horse riding. Weight naturally fell off me and I felt great, the fitness was addictive. I enjoyed the numbers on the bathroom scales going down.

I started to count calories, weighing my food and avoid eating when I could. I still find it hard to eat earlier in the day. I enjoyed saving my calories. Having a meal to look forwards too.

I loved food and cooking. I was obsessed. Watching cookery programmes, foodie magazine subscriptions and cooking for others.

Particularly the foods I wouldn’t allow myself.

At first it was about reducing the number of calories. By opting for diet varieties meant I could eat more. I was always a fussy child. I never ate meat or fish. I didn’t like spice or certain textures. For me this wasn’t the eating disorder. Being vegetarian had nothing to do with restriction. I later learnt about AFRID. This makes it hard for me to try new foods or even reintroduce foods I haven’t had for some time.

Routine is a need for me and makes me refrain from socialising and events.

I try not to overshare or lie when I make my excuses to not attend. Making my own food is my number one priority and they are unlikely to understand why I would need an itinerary or how distressing it would be if plans change.

I always tried really hard at school, I was never top of the class but what I lacked academically, I made up for with effort. I excelled at organisation. I did well at college, even when my world was shrinking. I lost touch with school friends.

There were a lot of skinny girls in my college class. It became a competition in my head to be the skinniest. Being slim was something to be prized. Just look at the models and shop manikins or the global struggle to lose weight.

I found something I was good at. Something I could control.

I have always had a loving and supportive family. My dad thought plum sauce from the Chinese was one of your five a day. The cupboards were always full with plenty of sweet treats. I was active, happy and I ate what I wanted within reason as long as I didn’t spoil my dinner. You could say I had puppy fat growing up.

Christmas 2010 was my rock bottom. Being away at university was very isolating. Even with my dad picking me up every weekend, I spent a lot of time walking alone along Bournemouth seafront. I remember a girl in my class bring me a tin of cupcakes she made to share. I couldn’t even eat one. “I’ll save it for later”, I said. I cringe at the amount of food I’ve secretly poured in the bin over the years.

Despite excelling academically, I quit university. I was so weak. Spending my days studying, with a radiator in my dorm, sat by a heater and navigating a shared kitchen every evening. Often people stole my food.

I just couldn’t do it anymore.

My parents got me a private therapist on Christmas Eve. I was desperate but not willing to listen. Only you can decided to change. Eventually my stomach became so inflamed from drinking too much sugar free squash and not a lot else. I was in so much pain. I promised if the doctor could stop the pain, I would start eating. It began with a spoonful of banoffee pie.

For the next 6 months I didn’t look back and I didn’t do a lot else. I just ate… everything. Mostly sweet and high calorie. I put on a lot of weight quickly and since understand how dangerous this could have been but I feel it’s important to note this was the only approach that healed my menstrual cycle. Logic might say it demonstrated food wasn’t scarce and my body had energy to support non essential bodily functions.

Although I was checking in with specialists, I just couldn’t stick to the meal plans. Extreme hunger is real and does not make you a binge eater. I felt like I could out eat anyone, I was never full. I made it worse by not eating regular balanced meals but this no rules approach did rewire my mind set towards food. If you’re craving something and it’s all you can think about, have it and I promise the craving will disappear.

Your body knows what it needs. The constant hunger will fade. Your body is just catching up, healing.

I did spent a lot of time feeling sick from acid reflux from overeating, while I adjusted. I got a belly, before the weight dissipated around my body. My periods were still absent. The comments came flooding in of how well I looked. I tried to take this as a positive. At one point I got asked when the baby was due? Unfortunately we can’t stop people commenting on other people’s appearance. Even when it’s well meaning.

People will always say the wrong thing. To the person who told my teenage self they need to “watch that” as I picked up a chocolate at the end of a dinner party. I’m sure they had no idea of the destruction that was to follow.

I always dreaded dieticians would tell me to eat healthier. I’d survived mostly fruit and vegetables only for years. I was very sensitive, the mention of semi-skim milk in a meal plan would upset me. Did that mean I shouldn’t drink full fat milk?

Processed food gets demonised but it’s given me energy. When you feel strong, everything gets easier.

The best advice I got is no food is good or bad.

The outcome of your day is not determined by what you ate. No single food is healthy or sustainable alone. You need a balance. Avoid food trends. Learn to block out the noise.

When you feed your brain, decision making becomes a lot easier and you’re able to make good choices using experience and rational.

Everyone has different food fears. For me it’s any foods that I would be likely to overeat. Years after my anorexia, I was overweight although the weight gain had stopped despite still having a good appetite. My body adjusted.

More importantly I was the happiest I had ever been. I was social and living life and working.

Fast forward a decade later. I spent 6 months living abroad. I was busy, I was gradually losing weight. When I returned home. I didn’t want to go back to my old diet. I became health obsessed. Eating only low calorie, low fat, natural foods, made it impossible to maintain my weight. Here I was again. Cold and miserable but functioning.

Don’t wait until you’re really poorly to get help.

Someone once told me it’s not my job to decide if I need help. I’m not wasting anyone’s time, stop thinking someone else needs it more or I’m not sick enough. I cancelled on my referral several times. I’m sure this is nothing they haven’t seen before. Kept telling myself I am doing better now. I can do it alone.

Being honest, I’m still trying to find balance. Recovery is absolutely possible. I’m not sure I’ll ever be the person that just puts food in their mouth while they are cooking, without thinking twice.

Being older I care a lot less about how I look and what other people think. The media is obsessed with health, it’s hard not to get drawn in, especially when you’re surrounded by people on diets. It’s easy to compare yourself to others. Beware everyone thinks they’re an expert, including me. After all I’d spent years researching nutrition and reading recipes. Thankfully when you stop restricting the fixation lessens.

Recently I changed my job, I now work part-time doing something I enjoy. Quitting university and more recently leaving my career was the best health decision I’ve made.

In giving up, I’ve gained so much more.

My colleagues didn’t understand. At work I seemed happy but only now do my family see my personality and I’m smiling more. Now I’m more aware of my triggers. These days the number on the scales doesn’t bother me so much. I did find myself obsessing over my protein intake, hoarding protein powder. I recently came to the realisation that my exercise regime was becoming an unhealthy obsession. Having to complete a certain number of hours per day, no excuses or rest days.

Sometimes you have to look at your life from the perspective of a friend. What would you think if someone you cared about was acting this way?

Stop punishing yourself.

Deep in my eating disorder, food had to be perfect. The right brands and quantity, at the right time, consumed in the right setting. I ate slowly, too slowly. I said some horrible things to my family when they tried to help. Food was sacred. Eating a chocolate bar wasn’t going to fix it. I was completely selfish. I know now that wasn’t me. Forgive yourself.

No one wants to have an eating disorder. Anyone that says they do has never had one. It’s not your fault. I still struggle to understand why I am this way. I believe it’s the effect of starvation on behaviour. Your brain shrinks as your body pools its resources to promote self preservation. That combined with my perfectionist personality traits put my body in survival mode.

I have tried different methods to recovery. Arguably I currently live in a quasi state. Not completely free of food rules but that’s ok. I will never stop looking to be better and have let go of perfection.

A colleague once said the phrase “it’s good enough”, which has really helped me learn when to stop and I’m not talking about food - this literally applies to anything.

I often feel guilt about money spent on food and justifying luxury items. Especially now my finances are tighter. This does mean I don’t waste food and often feel frustrated by food waste. Not easy when you’re a waitress. Even when I have anxiety about work, I feel so much better for the company.

I could have made recovery much easier if I just forgot everything I thought I knew and not question everything I was told to do but that fight is the reason I’m still here. I never wanted to die. Anorexia is an obsession with a death wish.

Keep fighting it.

Start by trying the things you used to enjoy, do the things you want to do. Treat yourself and stop feeling guilty for wanting things.

Rediscover the joy of living. What was your favourite food? What do you miss?

Put yourself first and take responsibility.