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I wanted to offer an insight into how I am now, near enough four years into a robust recovery, following ten years of a very active and debilitating eating disorder. I am certainly not perfect in my recovery and this was the main point I wanted to try to get across.
Dear Ana,
I’m breaking up with you.
We’re done. We’re through.
I am following my meal plan as best I can; I’m steadily gaining back the weight I tried so hard to lose. I am back in the healthy weight range for my age and height, so I’m recovering. Right?
It is not your choice if you get an eating disorder, which is part of what makes them so cruel and unfair. However, you have the power to decide whether you will fight to recover from your illness to get your life back.
I guess the truth is that I am only at the very beginning of my recovery, and whilst I am doing really well, it almost feels harder than ever.
Recovery: Noun, A return to normal health. That is what the Oxford dictionary defines the word as. But what is a return to normal health? What is recovery?
I remember being around 10 years old and admiring an older (probably by three or four years) girl in my dance class for her thin physique. When I look back at it now, I realise that was one of the first indicators of my eating disorder journey.
I’d moved to Thailand after graduating to teach English. I developed a bit of anxiety and unhappiness due to loneliness, which I controlled through eating. Unfortunately, I took it too far, and upon my return, was admitted straight to hospital.
Eating disorders come in many different shapes and sizes. Some people have it their entire life, some people limit themselves so much that their bodies starve, some people have binge eating disorder.
During her degree, Jen brought the fight against eating disorders to her campus.
I was waiting just before the start line, making small talk with the lady next to me. It was her first marathon too.
We didn’t speak about it at the time, about what it was like for Kate, or what it was like for her, going through this thing that we were both going through: Alex’s eating disorder.