So here goes…
I have started this post at least ten times already, and over the past few months I have scrapped the whole idea of even posting it because it didn’t feel right, I didn’t feel ready.
Over again and again I would tell this to myself. But then I thought: when will I ever feel comfortable putting my demons out there for the world to see? Will there ever be a right moment? Well, I am not ashamed of my imperfections. That’s why I am sharing this, because I have this desire to help others who have, or are still going through, similar situations that I have experienced.
I suffered with bulimia for six years.
Yep, there it is. The one thing that only a few people knew. Something that not even my closest friends and family members were aware of but, let’s get one thing straight, I do not want this post to be about feeling sorry for me. I am writing this to make a CHANGE.
Like any 15-year-old, your body goes through puberty and lots of changes are happening left, right and centre, and the majority of us are confused by what we see in the mirror. I started to look at myself in the mirror differently, and I didn’t like what I saw. I wanted to lose weight because at that time I thought being skinny would bring me happiness.
I was never overweight. I was an extremely active child who loved taking part in athletics and team sports like hockey, dance and rounders whilst I was at school. But one day my opinion on my body switched, and I told myself that I had to lose weight in order to feel better about myself.
At the age of 15 I developed an eating disorder. I restricted my calories dangerously, and purged a few times a day after my meals. I was heavily bulimic, couldn't keep most of my meals down, and lost a hell of a lot of weight.
The summer of 2010 is when my mum confronted me with my eating disorder. I am 21 years old now, and would be lying if I said that my eating disorder disappeared there and then. Throughout the years it has always been there. There were times where it was almost non-existent but others where I would relapse hard and the bulimia would be very aggressive.
It’s taken me many years to get to the point where I am now, to even put sentences together to write this, to even think about writing something like this in the first place.
I know that I want to help others who can relate to this post, but my heart races thinking about it.
I am going to help change the stigma that surrounds eating disorders, help those who are going through the struggles day in and out of battling voices telling them that they aren’t good enough because of their weight or how their body looks.
I want to drill in the message to many individuals who have convinced themselves that they are alone in this, because this so not true! I was once someone reading similar blog posts like this who used to think yeah but it's different for me, I'm not like you.
Well, it may have taken me almost six years to finally realise it, but oh my goodness, yes, there are others out there who know what it's like, know the feelings, know the questions you want to ask, know the answers you want answered – they are all there for you!
I am still a work in progress, but I’m pretty sure that there are many others out there who are also after that daily fix of bettering themselves, so instead of dwelling on our imperfections let’s rejuvenate them into something that will help others and ourselves in the process.
Let's be perfectly imperfect together.