Life with Me and ED
I got diagnosed with OCD when I was very young. My OCD varied on different topics, but later in life my OCD fixated on food, and within time I developed an eating disorder.
When my eating disorder first started I remember everything was getting on top of me. There were a lot of personal things happening in my life. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t cope. I started to feel like I had no control over anything. However, exercise and food was something I could control; no one could dictate that part of my life. I would do anything to exercise and eat as little as I could.
A lot was happening, and when things got too much or seemed out of my control I jogged off my thoughts, I wanted to forget everything and focus on becoming fitter. My exercise became more and more and my eating became less and less. I felt so lost and it just became worse.
I remember after a while work was not helping, I couldn’t focus on anything, let alone conversations with people. It was worse even trying to socialise with my friends and family, as I kept thinking “don’t eat, don’t give in”. Everything felt like a blur.
Then there was a point in my life where a lot of things were changing, and when certain people were not in my life things became a little easier. I then realised I had to change – this was exhausting and draining and I couldn’t continue anymore.
I read a lot of self-help books, did numerous worksheets, and went to see a private therapist. This helped in ways I didn’t think it would. I opened up about things I never thought I could; it’s amazing what you can tell someone who has no idea who you are or what you’ve gone through.
There were a few people in life that helped me massively. My mum was my absolute rock when I learnt to open up about it; she did everything she could to help. Over time, I saw how much upset it caused her – this was another motivation to stop ED from running my life.
Everyone has their own way to help them through ED. Mine turned out to be therapy, yoga, friends and family, and now my partner who is my everything. In therapy I learnt you must be honest and open to start healing yourself. Yoga I am extremely grateful for, as it showed me what my body can do and how I should appreciate my body. Everyone’s body is remarkable and can do remarkable things, and now I finally like my body! There is no wrong way to have a body.
Now I can go out for meals with my friends and family; I enjoy food so much again. I love to cook and bake and being in the kitchen. I have my social life back! Food = Fuel, and it’s so true if we do not eat we cannot survive. Food is meant to be celebrated and enjoyed.
I look back and today the challenges I have faced so far have made me a stronger person. I want to turn my wounds into wisdom. <3