Dear ‘it’ (a letter to an eating disorder)
What can I even call you? Are you a best friend, an acquaintance? Or even now an enemy? At the start I have to admit I worshipped you. You were my escape; you made me feel fantastic in so many ways. I would never have dreamed of being able to do what I did without your motivational and positive words – how could I not be tempted by these adventures you planned for me every day? You made me feel so excited to fall asleep so that I could start the next day with one of your busy plans you had set for me. We were inseparable, we were one. You were always there to talk to me and tell me that I was doing the right thing, how this was beneficial to me in so many ways. I feel that our bond grew so much stronger over the winter; you were more shy and quiet before this time and didn’t express yourself as much in the final summer months, but as winter came you suddenly burst out of your shell.
I loved how close we were to start with, but then you started to punish me when I didn’t do what you wanted or do things your way. You made me feel so guilty, but would try and make me feel better by showing how your way was the best, and that even with little blips I was doing the right thing by following you. But this was too much, the best friend who you were trying to be was taking me away from the things I used to love. You were jealous; it was only me and you or nothing. You didn’t understand when I started doing things differently to how you had planned it; you didn’t understand that I was trying to push you away. When more people became involved you tried so hard to trick me into thinking that they were trying to harm and damage me, but really that was just you. As we have grown more distant I can still feel your presence watching my every move. Some days you confuse me and try to change things back to how they were. You take advantage of days where I am lacking energy. You thrive off this lack of energy and try to convince me that what we had was special and what I am doing now is wrong.
However, I can tell you are becoming tired yourself now. You still try your best to be right and fill my mind with thoughts, but you are accepting that you are losing. You know that you are not the only one controlling my life. As I am growing stronger and gaining more confidence against you, you are becoming weaker. A best friend who is now hiding behind a shadow rather than one to help when times get tough. I hope you realise that it is time that we move on and apart. It is time that you accept that I am changing and I no longer need you to tell me right from wrong. You have taught me that I can stand up to you and I will continue to do so until you are gone, because we both know now that life as one will not happen anymore when I can control you.