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Anorexia

All stories

15 February 2018

Moving on from anorexia

You lied to me; you twisted and warped my reality. Isolating me. Tormenting me. You told me that all I needed was to lose a few more pounds. But you were never happy. You made me hate myself.

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There I was, sitting in front of the GP, age going on 33, a decade of anorexia behind me. Was I going to tell the whole story? 'I’ve had a chest infection for six weeks and I’m scared I’m losing my hearing. Pause. Deep breath. “The real reason I’m so ill is anorexia. I’ve got anorexia.'

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1 February 2018

Did you lie to me?

Zero is the number I am driven to reach by the 'friend' in my mind. I am to eat zero of this and that, and I am to take up zero space.

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29 January 2018

Perfectionism and me

I want to start this post by taking you back two years. It’s the summer of 2015 and I’m about to start my first year of sixth form. I can’t say I was particularly excited by the prospect, as like many decisions I have made in my life it wasn’t actually something I really wanted to do.

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For many years, I kept my struggles with eating disorders as private as I could. Only a couple of close friends knew about my struggles with anorexia and bulimia throughout my late teens and early twenties.

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I have heard this sentence so many times over the years: 'You’re not skinny enough to have an eating disorder.' But excuse me, who are you to say my mental state is determined by the number on the scale? Who are you to question whether or not I'm struggling?

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If there’s such a thing as a typical anorexic patient, then I’m not that person. I’m a man with an illness broadly estimated to be 80-90% female.

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All of a sudden, those good intentions have turned into an obsession. You look at the numbers, fixate on them. The number of calories eaten, the number of calories burned, and the amount of time exercised, the number on the scale, the number on the food scale, the number on your clothes.

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Christmas has always been a very busy and exciting time for me. Singing with my church choir, playing at events with the school orchestra – there was an endless number of things that I looked forward to. Many involved food and going out for meals, which I also loved to do.

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14 December 2017

Anorexia – why?

When I was a teenager, members of my family – parents and aunts – grumbled daily about what they alleged was wrong with me. This included my weight and size. “Hefty” and “solid” are to this day words that make me wince.

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Just like every other human emotion and experience, eating disorders are full of colour, chemicals, and different combinations. No two experiences are the same.

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The run up to Christmas can be really exciting: preparing for holidays, time with family and friends, parties, presents and often lots of food. But that excitement can be equalled and even overshadowed by worry, guilt, resentment and panic.

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